Hey
by Udunie
Summary: Karofsky is forced to write a letter to help him with his anger management problems.   Contains spoilers/speculation for 2x08


Hey,

First of all, I want you to know, that this isn't a fruity love letter or some shit like that. Ms. Pillsbury makes me do it. She's sitting right here and watching me with those fucking watery eyes, that always look like she's about to start crying and it drives me crazy.

You're not even here, for God's sake! You ran off to that fancy school with that fancy gay poster boy, so I have no idea what good this letter will do, but I'm forced to meet with Ms. P. every day if I don't wanna get expelled like Azimio, it's supposed to help me with 'anger management'.

Ms. P. said I should write a letter to the person I'm most angry with, and that would be myself, but that is like talking to yourself and that would mean I'm going crazy, or something. And you're second on the list.

You know what pissed me off most? You getting in my face with that frat boy, and he getting all 'You're not alone' on me. What the fuck? He doesn't even know me, he has no right to say things like that. You fairies might be all 'it gets better' but this whole coming out thing isn't for everyone.

You must have heard from Finn, that everyone in school knows I'm a freak now. That was Azimio's parting gift; outing me to Jacob Ben-Israel. And I'm sorry you got hurt, but this whole 'be who you are' shit started the whole thing. Because I came out to my best friend, and he wanted to kill you for turning me into a fag, and then that Evans kid got caught in the crossfire. And you got to hospital with that concussion and you just fucking didn't come back.

You fucking lied. You made me believe that if only I came out everything would work out and then you just got up and fucking left. Fuck you.

So, yeah. Wanna know what this whole coming out thing got me?

Everybody hates me in school. Before, I had a best friend and I had hockey and although I know I'm not much in the brains department, and I had to lie about digging girls, but it's not like I wanted to slit my wrists or anything. Now, the hockey team hates me, they say it's my fault that Azimio got expelled and that we suck without him. Yesterday they pissed on my clothes while I was in the shower.

And Azimio? We were best friends since we were five, and now he hates me too. It doesn't matter, that I had his back when his parents divorced, or that I helped him bury his dog after it got hit by a car and I didn't tell anyone that he was crying. It's like that one word deleted every memory we had.

And it fucking hurts like shit.

Oh, but that's not all. I should have learned my lesson, but I didn't. So guess what? I told my parents, because I was so fucking down after you just left, that I couldn't stop and it just slipped out.

It has been a month already, and I haven't seen my father sober since then. Not like he was ever the most abistinent or what the hell that word is, but it's like he can't suffer to look at me without alcohol anymore. And he doesn't talk to me, he didn't say a word directed at me since then. But I heard him tell my mother that I could only stay until graduation and not a day longer. And that was only because my mom was begging. And what hurts the most? I still love my dad. He is not the best father and he can get pretty cruel sometimes, and we never had heart-to-heart conversations or that girly shit, but he was always there for me. Before, that is.

When he found me smoking green last year, he beat the crap out of me, and I know I deserved it, and I missed school for two days afterwards, but this is much worse. I can see that he wants to hit me, wants to bash my head in with a baseball-bat, and seriously? I just want him to stop putting it off, because I can't take this fucking waiting for it to happen anymore.

My mom… She keeps giving me these brochures of fucking camps and institutions that promise to get fags turned back to normal people, and she says they won't make me go if I don't want to, but there is that fucking hope in her eyes every time she gives me a new one, and I want to puke just thinking about it. I checked some out on the net, and they all seem shiny and simple and everything but I'm not as dumb as you think I am. I found some forums where people who actually went through with it write about what it was like. And it just makes me want to bash my computer. They all say it's horrible and it's torture and it's just so fucking unfair that there's no way out of this.

If they invented some pill I could take that would just turn me back to be straight, I would take it in a heartbeat.

But there isn't. And I just keep waiting and waiting and waiting. And I'm going crazy.

Waiting for my teammates to get up their courage and lynch me in the locker room. Waiting for my dad to finally take his bat out of the closet. Waiting for the hope to die in my mom's eyes.

And against all that, against the fact, that I want to blame you for everything, I just keep waiting for you to come back.

And I don't know how much longer I can keep waiting.

D. K.


End file.
